It went like this:
Tee-boned by a truck, then mysteriously twiddled by our two vehicles’ smacked-together batteries, I’ve been converted into a power-charged, flat-as-a-pancake, nine-foot tall pseudo-person. So, of course, my altered head and wallpaper-narrow body have been, ah, pressed into public service- these are desperate times- because I have mysteriously acquired extraordinary Power.
I, the battery-powerful Miracle-Madame, can effect huge social changes immediately, while remaining practically invisible.
One flat-handed wave-
And That’s That.
It all seems to make perfect sense.
Dee-crees:
1. I do declare that presidential campaigns will last precisely six months. Candidates, representing a maximum of four parties, sorted out in state and local elections, will be budgeted twenty million public dollars each to trot out their platforms, which are aired by all television news stations on Sunday afternoons for a total of three hours, as a public service. (A disinterested third party will pay the vote-for-me bills each candidate submits, so nobody’s tempted...)
Americans will mull over the ideas presented until the next Sunday, when new presentations begin.
Our President, who will serve six years, with no second term, will spend the entire time in office actually running the country, undistracted by fundraising or pandering to his or her base. All presidential decisions shall be posted monthly.
This approach isn’t exclusionary.
No candidate has to be a millionaire.
Those who make false statements are eliminated from competition. How? A committee of nine respected people dedicated to Truth, Honor and the American Way shall decide if there is ‘fact-distortion,’ within 48 hours. (Access to verifiable data is incredibly easy these days.) Decisions, like those of the Supreme Court, or an Umpire, are final. The threat of immediate elimination will keep ads honest. And brief.
Everyone shall consider it their public duty to dedicate three hours once weekly to listening to each candidate.
Bonus: we, the people, will actually learn something about the folks who hope to serve us.
2. White and black and brown and yellow and red people do not exist, except on cardboard. ‘Whites,’ for example, are cream colored, but most have speckles, freckles, and age spots, and are every shade of vanilla and tan imaginable. ‘Black’ people may be a dark, rich chocolate, milk chocolate, or every shade in between. Human beings will learn from birth that no one, not one single human being, has ever been able to choose skin color.
We’re born exactly as we are-
And That’s That.
3. The first book read to toddlers will be The Sneetches and Other Stories, by Dr. Seuss. Children will ponder Sylvester McMonkey McBean’s Star-On and Star-Off Machines, and who was what, and why….
The other three stories, Too Many Daves, the Zax, and What Was I Scared Of? are- well,
just perfect.
4. The very first word learned in school will be ignorance. A big word. But one of the most dangerous. Ignorant people say and do awful things to other living things from ignorance. Information, gleaned from verifiable facts, will be carefully taught, and enshrined in human brains. As new, updated information appears, we’ll adjust.
After basic critical thinking skills are mastered, there’ll be more time to luxuriate in love, compassion, generosity, fellowship, fun, and the art of accommodation. We’ll all savor our uniqueness.
5. Everyone pays for doctor visits. We do this in hardware stores, and clothing shops. Just pull out the wallet, and pay for it. The price of health care will plummet. Comparison-shopping will blossom. Word will quickly spread as to which physicians, clinics and hospitals excel. The price of every test, and all medicines, shall be posted.
Congress shall NOT have a separate health plan.
Catastrophic health insurance will cover any medical disaster.
Anyone genuinely needful- and there are people who just can’t pay- will be assisted using a generous federal, state or local government fund set aside to fully cover their medical expenses. It’s part of what makes America exceptional.
6. Lawsuits shall be filed with great care. Frivolous ones will incur a huge fine. If a civil lawsuit goes to trial, the losing side pays both bills. Nonsense will stop.
7. Schools will teach reading, math, history, geography, English, logic and a foreign language, from 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Homework will be rare, because home time is reserved for the family, for jobs, for play. Everything not academic will happen after one o’clock. Schools will have sign-up sheets for sports, music, art, driver training, shop, sex education, etc. But five days a week educators will focus intensively on the subjects mentioned. Parents may drop in anytime to observe. Teachers, on the merit system, will be tested periodically to insure they keep up with the literature. Large bonuses will be awarded for teaching excellence, as determined by the learning that is demonstrated.
A final, flat-palmed wave-
And That’s That.
I’ll drift off again, perchance to dream of profundities- such as-
Do kippers swim folded or flat?